Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
