So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
