Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
