I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
