you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
