If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
