i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
