Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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