my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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