yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
