Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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