I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
