I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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