i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
