Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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