I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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