I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
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Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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