I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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