oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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