I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
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So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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