He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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