Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
