**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
