He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
