Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
