new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
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i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
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My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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