everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
