Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
