You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
