It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
