My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
