Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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