surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
