He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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