The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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