The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
