Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
