She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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