You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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