Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
