The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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