he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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