She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
