It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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