Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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