I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
