I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
