I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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