You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Dear god my vagina.
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