Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my being single is dangerous.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
