This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He kissed a someone with a penis
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
