If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
