I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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