I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
