i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
