I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Randomize
