and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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