Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
