My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
