Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
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we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
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I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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