your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
