your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
