Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
