Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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